Not sheepish, but individ-ewe-al (livredor) wrote,
Not sheepish, but individ-ewe-al
livredor

Whine

Way too many stupid little things have gone wrong in the last couple of days. I don't intend to make a habit of this kind of post, but I'm in the kind of mood where I think getting this off my chest will help a bit. You are of course welcome to skip if you find whiny posts annoying. In any case I need distraction more than I need hugs, so probably the best thing you can do for me is to tell me something interesting rather than feeling obliged to express sympathy over the stupid annoying stuff.

Yesterday I was nauseous for absolutely no reason. And I kept spacing out slightly. Possibly conntected to this, I managed to lose my wallet. Someone found it, and handed it in to the department admin person. She told my boss who told me, which left me feeling extremely embarrassed; I didn't need him to know that I'm that dopey. And while the finder was honest enough to return the wallet with all the important stuff intact, they were also dishonest enough to steal all the cash from it.

I decided to leave work early and put in a couple of hours writing my labtalk before going out in the evening. In the event, I failed to do any work and failed to get out of the house. I know it's not helpful to beat myself up over that, but it really was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially as it meant missing an event I'd been looking forward to.

Today I got up early to go to synagogue for the start of the new month, even though it was cold and wet and dark. The first thing that happened was the zip on my winter coat broke, so I was left with a padded jacket which I love because it is so brightly coloured, but it's not waterproof or really warm enough for a real winter. (Thankfully at the moment it's merely damp and miserable, not actually cold, but I don't expect we have many more weeks of grace.) Then there were problems with the trains so I spent ages hanging around the station, getting colder and wetter and later for the service. When I eventually got there there were fewer than 10 people so we couldn't do anything useful anyway.

There are people not only in the world but on my friends list who have actual problems. I don't have the personality to find this cheering, but rather it depresses me further. Also, there are some discussions going on mostly around Jewish stuff that I want to get into but I suspect I'm going to end up on the opposite side to people I care about. The kind of mood I'm in I'm likely to say something hurtful.

I don't know what's wrong with me; little things like this, plus some of my experiments not working as I'd hoped, don't usually get me down. It's not even a matter of counting my blessings, because pretty much every measurable parameter in my life is near-perfect. Maybe it's the darkness, though as yet it's not darker here than it was in Dundee in the depths of winter. Maybe it's culture shock; it's a classic thing for immigrants to be miserable a few months after moving to a new country, when the novelty has worn off but they haven't yet settled. My best guess is a kind of loneliness; I'm too far away from most of my friends (though ploni_bat_ploni has been a pillar, and without her I really would be going mad). And because I'm miserable I don't find the energy to fight against the oppressiveness of geography by keeping in regular contact by email and phone and IM.

Anyway, I must get back to work before I waste another day and have yet another reason to be angry at myself.
Tags: quotidian
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