September 24th, 2006


Starting afresh

Thanks to everyone who was supportive when I was feeling down last week. I probably shouldn't post to LJ when I'm in that sort of state, but I do appreciate how nice everyone was about it.

As I would have guessed if I'd been a bit more with it, things looked a lot better in the morning. I finished the draft I was working on; there was only a couple of hours' more work in it but I'd got to the point where my brain just wasn't functioning. Sleep is good. The conference was a bit pointless, partly because I was having a hard time staying awake, and partly because it was pitched at too general a level to be informative for me.

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I'm feeling very uncertain about forgiveness at the moment. I don't have anyone to forgive, and I never really have, not since I was a teenager. (And even then, looking back at what seemed like mortal insults and unbearable injustice at the time I'm slightly boggled I took myself so seriously.) As for people I should ask to forgive me, well, there is one but she told me not to contact her, and I can't see how I can apologize to her without contacting her. Last year I wrote her a letter and had no answer, but later discovered indirectly through LJ that my doing that had upset her and made her feel threatened. Apart from that situation, which is a constant grief to me, I generally find that if I hurt someone, we'll talk about it and resolve it at the time and not need to wait until Yom Kippur. If I'm wrong about that, if anyone has any reason to be angry with me or hurt by something I've done, please do contact me and let's talk about it.

Which is certainly not to say I'm a flawless and wonderful person and have never done anything wrong! It's just that everything else is vague and indirect. It's probably more the sort of situation for attempting to change my behaviour in future, than for approaching and individual to ask them to forgive me. I keep reading lots of advice and admonishments about how to deal with the kind of interpersonal situation where one person hurts another and later asks for forgiveness, but it really doesn't seem to apply to me, either way round. So somehow it seems I'm missing a dimension from dealing with this season in the religious calendar.

What I do feel is that I want to make a new start with the new year. This past year has been somewhat limbo-ish; I've had some really lovely times with friends, taking advantage of not working to catch up on socializing. But I spent a lot of it marking time, waiting for things to happen. In the last part of it, I finally managed to get a job and then there was the general chaos of moving to Sweden at quite short notice. Actually getting my teeth into the work itself has been slower than I'd hoped. But now I feel settled in Stockholm and I'm at a point where I can really make a go of things. We'll see.

Completely unrelated: I've put up a review of King and Joker, which I read while I was madly busy, because reading beats most other forms of displacement.