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livredor
Single at last!
Monday, 20 December 2004 at 07:57 pm
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Well, it's taken me six years, but finally, I am not in any relationship and I have no prospect of being in any relationship. You might have thought that an ambition for singlehood would be easy to achieve, since it's pretty much the default state and plenty of people end up that way even though they're making serious effort to avoid being single. Not me. I've had very strange luck, and it's led to several really wonderful relationships, so wonderful that they overcame my basic dislike of that sort of thing.

And yes, I am going to get severely laughed at if I do end up getting together with someone, even more than I got laughed at the last three times this kind of thing happened. But I'm sufficiently confident that isn't going to happen this time to run the risk of humiliation by gloating about being single! Just in case anyone is confused about this, this is not a cue for someone to ask me out in order to prove me wrong. Much less a hint along the lines of, oh look, I'm lonely and available, someone please show some interest!

*deep breath*

The less positive side of this is that the way I got to be single was by bringing to a close my two-year relationship with lethargic_man. I'm posting this here mainly because I don't want to have to repeat the information any more times than necessary. I'm not miserable about it; we planned this more or less from the beginning, and I am very convinced that it was the right thing to do. So please, if you can possibly bear to refrain from expressing sympathy, I'd really appreciate not having to go through the explanation of why I'm not in the emotional state typically associated with breakups.

That doesn't mean I'm absolutely over the moon about this. I really, really like and admire and, yes, love lethargic_man, and I really, really liked going out with him. I may post to expand on that later, but the main point I want to make is that, just because I'm not looking for sympathy, you shouldn't assume that I'm celebrating either.


Moooood: calmcalm
Tuuuuune: lack of lyrically appropriate breakup music
Discussion: 45 contributions | Contribute something

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From:redbird
Date:December 20th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC)
1 minutes after journal entry
(Link)
My only thought--other than that I won't congratulate you if you'd rather not--is that state changes are difficult, whether it's from single to partnered or from partnered to single.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: teapot
From:livredor
Date:December 20th, 2004 10:19 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry, 10:19 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
I won't congratulate you if you'd rather not
Thanks, that's very sensitive and tactful of you. Generally congratulating someone on ending a relationship would be kind of odd, unless the relationship were acknowledged to be absolutely miserable. But I can see someone congratulating me (me congratulating myself, even?) on making a hard decision, maybe.

state changes are difficult
Thank you, that's exactly it. What I was trying to say all along was that going out with lethargic_man was absolutely wonderful in many ways, and being a single person who is friends with him is, I think, going to be very wonderful too, but the transition between them is kind of miserable. Thank you for articulating that for me.
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From:kassrachel
Date:December 20th, 2004 08:21 pm (UTC)
8 minutes after journal entry
(Link)
No overt sympathy, as requested, but I am thinking of (both of) you, and hope you weather the transition with a minimum of suffering.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: portrait
From:livredor
Date:December 20th, 2004 10:36 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry, 10:36 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
Thank you, that's really lovely of you, and very much appreciated. Hope and kind thoughts are definitely to be cherished, and the more so when they are offered without the sympathy that I'm feeling allergic to just now.
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
lethargic_man: default
From:lethargic_man
Date:December 20th, 2004 08:21 pm (UTC)
8 minutes after journal entry, 08:21 pm (lethargic_man's time)
(Link)
*meeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: portrait
From:livredor
Date:December 20th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry, 10:38 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
I can think of several things you might be meeping at, but I'm not sure which to choose. Would you like to explain in words rather than leaving me to interpret?
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
(no subject) - lethargic_man (12/20/04 11:29 pm)
(no subject) - redbird (12/20/04 11:37 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/25/04 09:06 pm)
(no subject) - redbird (12/25/04 09:18 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/25/04 09:33 pm)
meep - livredor (12/25/04 08:41 pm)
Re: meep - lethargic_man (12/26/04 04:03 pm)
doseybat: default
From:doseybat
Date:December 20th, 2004 09:22 pm (UTC)
1 hours after journal entry, December 21st, 2004 12:22 am (doseybat's time)
(Link)
compilerbitch and i are always be happy to see both of you, both together and separately.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) (12/20/04 09:31 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/20/04 10:53 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/20/04 10:46 pm)
(no subject) - lethargic_man (12/20/04 11:32 pm)
rysmiel: can't rain all the time
From:rysmiel
Date:December 20th, 2004 09:34 pm (UTC)
1 hours after journal entry, 05:34 pm (rysmiel's time)
(Link)
*hug*, not in sympathy for imagined unpleasantness, but in support of being grown-up about such things in a non-conventional way.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: teapot
From:livredor
Date:December 20th, 2004 11:07 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry, 11:07 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
*hug*, not in sympathy for imagined unpleasantness
Hey, hugs are always good. I didn't express any objections to people hugging me. I'm much cheered by this comment, thank you (and that's without being particularly miserable in the first place, you understand).

in support of being grown-up about such things in a non-conventional way
Well, thank you. I'm not sure I'm being either particularly grown-up or particularly non-conventional, but neither seems entirely unreasonable either. And I like being supported in my decisions, especially when hugs are involved.

I like you, and you're very good to me, and this comment is yet another example of it.
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
(no subject) - redbird (12/21/04 12:10 am)
(no subject) - livredor (12/26/04 09:53 pm)
(no subject) - redbird (12/26/04 10:26 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/27/04 10:30 pm)
From:lyssiae
Date:December 20th, 2004 10:17 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry
(Link)
I'll be the first to admit that the post you linked to sparked my nosy and impolite curiosity when I first read it; then I realised that I was being nosy and put it away, because you're simultaneously someone I admire and yet don't know that well.

Were I in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to keep myself together as well as you seem to be. My emotions are lethal things when released and when in transition from one state to another I'm prone to being slightly nutty.

So other than those random thoughts I've not much to say. Only I hope you have a good - er, holiday-ish season, and that you complete the T-word soon :)
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: teapot
From:livredor
Date:December 21st, 2004 10:59 pm (UTC)
1 days after journal entry, 10:59 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
then I realised that I was being nosy and put it away
Oh, you're perfectly allowed to be nosy! Stuff I put in public posts is public, and I don't mind who reads it or who discusses it. (I have filters you're not in, things like a small group of people who are close friends of mine independent of LJ, and if I had something I wanted to discuss only with people who know me really well, that's where I'd put it.)

I'm completely fascinated by how other people deal with things like relationships; some would call me nosy because of that, I suppose. But I'm quite happy to improve my nosiness karma by being open about my own lovelife! Feel free to nose all you like, and do ask me to clarify if there's some background information you're missing, I shan't be at all offended.

Were I in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to keep myself together as well as you seem to be.
Ah, it's just my Vulcan blood showing through, I think ;-) I seem to be rather good at breakups, which is a bit of an odd talent, and one you almost hope not to get the benefit of, but anyway.

when in transition from one state to another I'm prone to being slightly nutty.
Well, in that case I hope your life is relatively free of painful transitions which might throw you off-balance.

So other than those random thoughts I've not much to say.
Random thoughts are good; that's part of what LJ is for, after all!

Only I hope you have a good - er, holiday-ish season,
Thank you. 'Happy birthday' works quite well (and saves having to figure out an appropriate seasonal greeting), given my birthday is during Christmas.

and that you complete the T-word soon :)
Thanks, I really appreciate your kind thoughts.
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
From:khalidz0r
Date:December 20th, 2004 10:41 pm (UTC)
2 hours after journal entry, December 21st, 2004 01:41 am (khalidz0r's time)
(Link)
I've looked at the link you provided, and that together with what you did is very interesting and .. well, admirable. For me, it's probably the exact opposite. I am so afraid of breaking up with people that I end up having to break up with them for this very reason (i.e. self fullfilling prophecies), which sucks.

I probably wasn't mature enough (more than once!) to look at today more than I look at the future, because today is what actually shapes the future.

Opps, I am turning this to be about me; I'll stop!
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: likeness
From:livredor
Date:December 21st, 2004 11:06 pm (UTC)
1 days after journal entry, 11:06 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
what you did is very interesting and .. well, admirable
Thank you, it's good of you to say so.

I am so afraid of breaking up with people that I end up having to break up with them for this very reason
Ugh, that's a very difficult one. I don't know quite how you get round that.

to look at today more than I look at the future
Mm, that's an interesting way of putting it. I can see your point, that this is an important thing to be able to do. It's almost the opposite of the hiraeth emotional state that rysmiel was mentioning, isn't it?

Opps, I am turning this to be about me; I'll stop!
Oh, I'm more than happy for you to talk about yourself here. After all, I pretty much know most of what there is to know about me already, so I'm much more interested to hear of others' experiences than engage in endless navel-gazing.
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
(no subject) - khalidz0r (12/23/04 07:45 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/25/04 09:22 pm)
(no subject) - khalidz0r (12/30/04 09:51 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (1/8/05 11:01 pm)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) (12/20/04 10:42 pm)
livredor: likeness
From:livredor
Date:December 21st, 2004 11:09 pm (UTC)
1 days after journal entry, 11:09 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
I had a similar experience earlier with the_glom.
Well, I'm glad to hear that you were able to classify it as "non-terrible", anyway. I hope you continue to feel positive about the outcome.
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hatam_soferet: default
From:hatam_soferet
Date:December 20th, 2004 11:29 pm (UTC)
3 hours after journal entry
(Link)
I've never known you as a single person. Gosh. I hope it all goes as intended from hereon, a badger. Hugs.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: portrait
From:livredor
Date:December 21st, 2004 11:15 pm (UTC)
1 days after journal entry, 11:15 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
I've never known you as a single person.
I know, that's the really weird thing: the great majority of my friends and even casual acquaintances haven't. And I think of myself as being fundamentally single.

But actually, doseybat is practically the only person (other than schoolfriends and people who've known me from childhood) who remembers me from before I got into all the consecutive relationships. Indeed, I remember having a big rant at her about how relationships and love were a waste of time and I wasn't going to bother with them. There's MK and pseudomonas too, but I was doing quite a lot of falling for them when they first met me, so they didn't encounter me as properly single.

I hope it all goes as intended from hereon, a badger. Hugs.
Thanks. Thank you lots and lots. *hugs*
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
rho: default
From:rho
Date:December 21st, 2004 12:41 am (UTC)
4 hours after journal entry, 12:41 am (rho's time)
(Link)
No sympathy, and no congratulations, but a heap of good wishes for the both of you.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: likeness
From:livredor
Date:December 23rd, 2004 03:23 pm (UTC)
2 days after journal entry, 03:23 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
a heap of good wishes for the both of you
Thank you, rho. You didn't have to bother commenting on this post, but you did, and I appreciate your good wishes.
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kathrid: default
From:kathrid
Date:December 21st, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
17 hours after journal entry
(Link)
It is possible that you're just not meant to be Single(tm). I must admit that when I think of you the thoughts have a distinct 'Person Naturally In Relationship' flavour, but perhaps that's just because you were so definitely with darcydodo when I knew you IRL.
(Reply to this comment) (Thread)
livredor: teeeeeeeeea
From:livredor
Date:December 23rd, 2004 03:33 pm (UTC)
2 days after journal entry, 03:33 pm (livredor's time)
(Link)
It is possible that you're just not meant to be Single(tm).
Gosh, I do hope you're wrong about that! Especially since single is very much what I intend for the next few years at least. And restricting it to the next few years is only because I can't reasonably predict any further in the future than that.

a distinct 'Person Naturally In Relationship' flavour, but perhaps that's just because you were so definitely with darcydodo when I knew you IRL
I know, it's particularly strange that someone like me, who basically doesn't approve of relationships at all, ended up in a relationship that was so intense, so consuming and defining. My relationship with lethargic_man was a lot more the sort of situation I'd expect to find myself in, if I'm going to be in a relationship at all. With the long distance thing as well as our own inclinations, we always had pretty independent lives. I don't think most people think of me as M's girlfriend (or M's ex now, I suppose), in the way that I was very much Darcy's girlfriend at Oxford.
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
From:(Anonymous)
Date:December 21st, 2004 01:49 pm (UTC)
17 hours after journal entry
(Link)
just to say, in a way, well done for doing what you thought was right. hugs from me (not to be dished out generally as you know).
it was lovely to meet lethargic_man, although he did have some slightly disconcerting first impressions... and hopefully i will see him again sometime.
also, i kinda did this process too, a couple of years ago, though i found it a little traumatic, cos all the thinking and processing and descision-making was on my side, so after a good 10 months spent trying to work out the pros and cons etc (while going out long-distance and not seeing each other once), i eventually decided the things i knew i wanted (or knew i didnt want) won out over the great relationship. oh dear.
i totally admire the way you (both) have been so explicit and eloquent about this. clear-thinking, that's what i mean to say. well done for that too.
[blue_mai]
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blue_mai: default
From:blue_mai
Date:December 22nd, 2004 12:02 pm (UTC)
1 days after journal entry, 12:02 pm (blue_mai's time)
(Link)
hey there...
(Reply to this comment) (Up thread) (Parent) (Thread)
(no subject) - lethargic_man (12/22/04 01:03 pm)
(no subject) - blue_mai (12/22/04 01:19 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/22/04 01:57 pm)
(no subject) - livredor (12/23/04 03:55 pm)
(no subject) - blue_mai (12/24/04 12:44 pm)



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